Charlie.

The sun washes the small world.
Through the clouds,
down the buildings,
the trees' canopy and onto the grass.

The brown in the blades begins with a winter unknown to hopeless reason.

The bashful break between seasons,
tempers your gentle hands,
the safe where you keep your affection has cracked now,
and the stylus inscribes new currents to companion that honey.

We can make the worst jokes together,
but the feeling of being is too sweet to savour,
we'll watch the walking Margate drunks with pride and acknowledge the world as warm and overcast.

For at least the weather to truly change,
a new day is born.

(This poem was written by one of my favourite writers and one of my closest friends.)

Overconsumption.

(Depressing, self reflective, an emotional wank of sorts.)

This last week and a half has been...

This last week and a half has been...

-Friend admitted to hospital.
For some reason this event is meant to have affected me more than anyone, according to the teacher that keeps pulling me aside and asking how I am "coping"? when really... I am not coping. I am blocking out the rage I feel, the hurt and the depression and masking it with my ill-tempered weakness and pitying doe eyes. Sigh... I suppose I shouldn't be this affected. My relationship with this person has changed. But why? I ask myself what I'm so annoyed at, why I am afraid. Everyone seems to have an opinion on the matter except me, and seeing as he'll be reading this soon there's not much I can say. I don't want it to be this way forever. I'm just really... Fuck.

- I am feeling disconnected from my life. Today I did a biology test and instead of writing the answers I drew pictures of animals and wrote "Baa..." in the spaces provided. I don't know if I am having a nervous breakdown or what? I feel most comfortable when I am asleep. I never ever want to get out of bed. I want to scream at everything and throw glass at brick walls. I want to rip posters off walls and punch my fists against concrete. I want to cease being this pathetic, however I am not opposed to self mutilation. I keep smoking, when I don't really want or desire to.

- I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HEALING...
This is not healing.
Maybe this is the reason why I cannot let go of this friend's experience.
I was FINE before all this happened.
I was HEALING.
But now.. I am spiraling and I don't want to blame him because it's the feeling of guilt that I was the reason he went to hospital that caused my initial spiral.

There are only a few people in my life currently who I can deal with. There is one who I tolerate above most. She is young, she is light. She is more light in my life than most have been recently. Instead of the black bullshit fog that deepens my mind, she lets it become greyer until I can almost see. I love her.

Emotional rants have become my forte this past week. Maybe I will try my hand at some form of poetic prose, to distract my troubled mind.


There is,
Salty water in my wounds
Rolling grains over the exposed flesh.
Some form of self mutilation.
I am divorcing myself from my emotion though.
It's much easier to experience,
When old men are getting senile
When your grandfather is getting horny
Over people your age...
There is something specific.
However, it's impossible to pinpoint
Why does it hurt so much to believe?
I think that people were created to exist in pairs,
Because we cannot be trusted on our own.
I'll only believe you if you don't tell me.

When I was younger, I used to believe there was a voice in my head. I saw this voice as god. he told me to jump out of the car whilst it moved. I never did, and he would abuse me as I tried to sleep, until I hurt myself. I used to pray every night. So that he would be kind to me. He never was.