Food.

Foods I don't like:

Vermicelli, Avocado, Salmon, Zucchini, Mayonnaise, American Mustard, Rocket..

Fuck I'm bored.

Make me a fucking cold salmon vermicelli salad with rocket, fried zucchini and avocado, then sauce it up with some mayo and mustard dressing.

I'll probably eat it.

Restriction.

My grandmother is in Hawaii...

Hence I don't blog much because the only internet access I have is at her house. Hence I am currently online for no more than two minutes for icecream is melting in the car and I came online to simply check my email for some information regarding my imminent venture to Western Australia.

To whomever reads this blog,
I am alive, I am well, I am addicted to NCIS currently. More on that later...
I am flying to Western Australia on the 8th of December. Returning on the 12th. Flying to Canberra on the 16th.

I promise full detailed blogs of my exploits imminently and once I arrive in Canberra I expect daily blogs as I will be no doubt insanely bored.

Not that anyone actually reads this shit but hey,

A girl can dream.

Halfway.

I'm halfway through these exams...

Biology - Down
Audio Design - Down

Now I sit, beside me is a little Puppy. He has pretty eyes.

He's having a party, I think I'm going to be a tree. Hopefully this will not end with me being pissed on. As he is a dog... I have apple liquer, I believe appletini will be my drink of choice that eve.

That's natural right?

Mundane.

Tv Shows I like:

Scrubs, Skins, Saved by the Bell, The Angry Beavers, Pokemon, Sailor Moon, America's Next Top Model, Australia's Next Top Model, The Mighty Boosh, Red Dwarf, Black Books, Coupling, Nip/Tuck, Dexter, Law & Order, CSI Miami, CSI, Law & Order SVU, NCIS, House, Next, Bam's Unholy Union, Newlyweds, Miami Ink, LA Ink, Doctor Who, Radio Active, Cardcaptors, Spicks and Specks, The Glasshouse, The Chasers War on Everything, The Nanny, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, The Cosby Show, Parental Control, Date my Mom, Bedroom Diaries, Malcolm in the Middle, Buffy, The X Files, Battlestar Galactica, Top Chef, Project Runway, Columbo, Eurotrash, Degrassi, Degrassi-The Next Generation, Family Guy, The Simpsons, Sex and the City, Will & Grace, Friends, Aaah!! Real Monsters, The Tyra Banks Show, The Adventures of Robin Hood, American Idol, The Amazing Race, As Told By Ginger, Ready Steady Cook, Wife Swap, You Are What You Eat, How to Look Good Naked, Daria, Who Wants to Be a Millionare, The Best Years, Shear Genius, Captain Planet, Cowboy Beebop, Bubblegum Crisis Tokyo 2040, The IT Crowd, Maury Povich, Fawlty Towers, My name is Earl, Entertainment Tonight, Extreme Makeover, Extras, Being Eve, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, That 70's Show, Gilmore Girls, Kath and Kim (Australian Version Only), Lano and Woodley, Made, Mythbusters, Brainiac, Oprah, Monty Python's Flying Circus, On The Buses, Sister Sister, Southpark, The Worst Week of My Life, Top Gear, Summer Heights High, We Can Be Heroes.


But I hate Montel... Argh.

Charlie.

The sun washes the small world.
Through the clouds,
down the buildings,
the trees' canopy and onto the grass.

The brown in the blades begins with a winter unknown to hopeless reason.

The bashful break between seasons,
tempers your gentle hands,
the safe where you keep your affection has cracked now,
and the stylus inscribes new currents to companion that honey.

We can make the worst jokes together,
but the feeling of being is too sweet to savour,
we'll watch the walking Margate drunks with pride and acknowledge the world as warm and overcast.

For at least the weather to truly change,
a new day is born.

(This poem was written by one of my favourite writers and one of my closest friends.)

Overconsumption.

(Depressing, self reflective, an emotional wank of sorts.)

This last week and a half has been...

This last week and a half has been...

-Friend admitted to hospital.
For some reason this event is meant to have affected me more than anyone, according to the teacher that keeps pulling me aside and asking how I am "coping"? when really... I am not coping. I am blocking out the rage I feel, the hurt and the depression and masking it with my ill-tempered weakness and pitying doe eyes. Sigh... I suppose I shouldn't be this affected. My relationship with this person has changed. But why? I ask myself what I'm so annoyed at, why I am afraid. Everyone seems to have an opinion on the matter except me, and seeing as he'll be reading this soon there's not much I can say. I don't want it to be this way forever. I'm just really... Fuck.

- I am feeling disconnected from my life. Today I did a biology test and instead of writing the answers I drew pictures of animals and wrote "Baa..." in the spaces provided. I don't know if I am having a nervous breakdown or what? I feel most comfortable when I am asleep. I never ever want to get out of bed. I want to scream at everything and throw glass at brick walls. I want to rip posters off walls and punch my fists against concrete. I want to cease being this pathetic, however I am not opposed to self mutilation. I keep smoking, when I don't really want or desire to.

- I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HEALING...
This is not healing.
Maybe this is the reason why I cannot let go of this friend's experience.
I was FINE before all this happened.
I was HEALING.
But now.. I am spiraling and I don't want to blame him because it's the feeling of guilt that I was the reason he went to hospital that caused my initial spiral.

There are only a few people in my life currently who I can deal with. There is one who I tolerate above most. She is young, she is light. She is more light in my life than most have been recently. Instead of the black bullshit fog that deepens my mind, she lets it become greyer until I can almost see. I love her.

Emotional rants have become my forte this past week. Maybe I will try my hand at some form of poetic prose, to distract my troubled mind.


There is,
Salty water in my wounds
Rolling grains over the exposed flesh.
Some form of self mutilation.
I am divorcing myself from my emotion though.
It's much easier to experience,
When old men are getting senile
When your grandfather is getting horny
Over people your age...
There is something specific.
However, it's impossible to pinpoint
Why does it hurt so much to believe?
I think that people were created to exist in pairs,
Because we cannot be trusted on our own.
I'll only believe you if you don't tell me.

When I was younger, I used to believe there was a voice in my head. I saw this voice as god. he told me to jump out of the car whilst it moved. I never did, and he would abuse me as I tried to sleep, until I hurt myself. I used to pray every night. So that he would be kind to me. He never was.

Performance.

Last night my band performed at my drummer's 18th birthday party.

I was already tipsy when we started playing and it was one of the most relaxed gigs we've ever done. There's something I love about performing, I think it's the way I feel when I'm on stage. I don't care if you're looking at me like I'm retarded, I am up here on this stage for a reason. My music is deemed good enough to be performed to an audience, and even if you're sitting in that corner looking at me like I'm a freak there are over ten people in front of me jumping up and down singing the words to a song that I wrote.

I wrote... That's what it is. These songs are parts of my soul. These words are my feelings and people like them. When I watched the audience moshing and yelling... It felt amazing.

About halfway into our set my best friend arrived. He'd been at work and the minute I saw him I felt happy. He came right up the front and sang along to my songs with me, he knew the words, he knew what they meant and I could see in his eyes that I was someone really important to him. He came to my gig, because of me. I'd never felt so special.

Drivel drivel drivel.. I know this is all sentimental bullshit.

After our set I had a blues jam with some old friends I had performed with last year.

This is what I live for.